sometimes the hardest things to get out ...

... are the easiest to pull together. sunday was my first week back at creative therapy after taking a few much needed months off. it took me a while to really get my thoughts together when i was deciding who to apologize to, actually it took me almost the entire week. but once i started it all came out in a flood of writing that was so full of pain and love and hurt and in the end i believe a huge hurdle of compassion for myself. and, i will confess, i needed that compassion and love so much.

april 21, 2009

i'm sorry. i got cold feet. i haven't loved you like i should have been all of these years. i'm sorry that i didn't ignore them. the taunts. the teases. the names, the snides, the things that they, those children, did to hurt you. i'm sorry you listened. i'm sorry you believed it. i'm sorry you didn't realize that you were worth more than that. you were always, always, always worth so much more. you were priceless. you were beautiful. you were perfect and happy and one of a kind. but, i left you. at the first sign of trouble i left. i didn't hold your hand and tell you to be strong. i didn't tell you, you were priceless. i'm sorry that i didn't believe it. i should have known. i should have told you.

these painful thoughts about my bullied childhood have been on my mind, my heart and my soul for so long. especially now that maddie is in school and ben will be starting in a year. i can remember how i was the easy target because i was the emotional little girl who just wanted to belong. i just wanted to belong and feel loved and liked by my peers. i know alot of these things are also linked to my father and his painful absence. it's all connected. it's all intertwined.

i know it seems so sad doesn't it? but i'm not sad, truly. i actually feel like a little of that pain has been swept away. it feels so good to get the thoughts out and down on paper. even if i feel slightly vulnerable and a tiny bit scared to share the journaling.

being vulnreable is something i think i've hesitated to do since last summer.

but no more.

happy wednesday lovely friends.
xo

Comments

[erin]

ok, wow. thank you for sharing that:)
i too, was bullied, and just too much. more than any child should be. ok, i cannot believe how much i can relate to your letter. wow. and helps explain how i want nothing more for my daughters than to just be able to stand up for themselves. and when emi was attacked from behind last year, the big mamma bear came out in me.
love you girlfriend.
thanks for letting me share on here.

[Cindy (Junque Art)]

Wonderful layout and wonderful journaling. We as Moms, just want to protect our kiddos from the painful things we experienced as kids. I'm finding my almost 13 year old is starting to go through some of that and it seems all I can do is give advice and big hugs! Big hugs to you!!!

[Leah C]

It seems to me that you are a strong & courageous woman. Thank you, for putting yourself out there & sharing your journaling with us. It's very moving...and thought-provoking. I am sorry you were bullied; but, you've given us all a reminder to speak up, to do something, to help put a stop to it.

[Sara]

Journaling helps ... what you wrote is so very deep and meaningful. I admire you for putting that out there. You are a special person. I've adored you since the first time I logged on to SIStv. Your eyes say so much about you. Your father missed out! Those kids, belonging, fitting in ... such torcher. I never had a chance to fit in anywhere - never in the same school for more than a year. I was talking to someone yesterday that told me that the parenting I am doing now with my babies, the loving, the nurturing is also a way to heal from childhood memories. I will grab on to that concept happily! Maybe that can help ... a little. You're in my thoughts!

BTW ... loving your playlist!

[Debby Schuh]

I wonder how many of us feel just like you, but do a good job covering it up? I was bullied, too. It took me a long time to feel confident...sometimes it's still a little struggle though.
I think you're FABULOUS!!

[Mari]

That is the most honest and genuin and perfect jorunaling EVER! All the little tiny hairs on my body rose, my sweet friend!
All honor to you, beiing able to find words for it.

I love you!! to bits!!!

[Beth Perry]

amazing, KL. it DOES feel good to get those things out, doesn't it? Whether it's through art or a poem..it's release in all its pain and glory.

[Nicole]

you are such a beautiful person, kl. your heartfelt journaling (and gorgeous art) has never ceased to amaze me. thank you for sharing such a vulnerable, difficult time in your life...i'm sure it's helping others heal as well, including myself. :)

[heather]

your vulnerability is one of the most beautiful things about you. don't ever give it up or hide it away. loves. xoxo.

[elizabeth rosemond]

Good for you. I know it wasn't easy (I swear I felt the pain as I was reading it), but you did it. And you should be proud.

[Gro aka emrille]

Being vulnerable is the only way to heal - thanks for sharing!

[Jenny]

Wonderful journaling!

[Mae]

It's a tough world out there and when everything is said and done it's only you who can defend yourself. A very moving journaling...I love your honesty.

[Andrea MacDonald]

I love your work

[doris]

beautiful words. i think your childhood must have shaped you into a wonderful person. such lovely layouts. :D

[raesha]

What a perfectly beautiful layout. I'm sad that we were not friends when we were little...I would have held your hand, and lifted you up, and helped you stand up to the stupid mean bullies and I would have punched a couple of them in the face for you:)

[gigi]

love this...love you :)

xoxo

gi

[Kristi]

Awe the journaling is so sad. :(

It's awesome to see these kinds of pages though. To see scrapping really being used in a way other than to show off the kiddies. I love emotional scrapping. TFS! :)

[Adrienne]

This is great! Thanks for sharing!

[mom]

I love you..You are a survivor and beautiful inside and out!

[Barbara]

Hi Kerry Lynn,
I would like to ask you a question about teaching in my country, but I cannot find an email link on your blog. Would you be so kind as to email me ? It's a business related question...
Thank you very much !
Greetings from Germany
Barbara

[Denise Morrison]

So glad you shared this. Sadly, this is an experience that many of us share. How wonderful to move on from it and use it as a strength, to have learned compassion from your struggle. You are brave and I am thinking how lucky your children are to have you for a momma!