10 years.

dear papa,

it's been 10 years. 10 years without you sitting at the head of the holiday table. 10 years without hearing your laughter and seeing your infectious smile. 10 years and the pain still feels the same. when i sit and think of you or see pictures, like the ones bama brought me this weekend, that hole in my heart opens again and i can feel the pain as if you had just left us.

so many things have happened since you left and i know you see it all. i know you do. you still take care of us and somehow, someway i always feel you there when i need you most.

you brought me a man within weeks of your passing that helped me not get lost in the pain, someone who loves me in a way i had never imagined was possible. he saved me when i was hurting the most, when i was lost and drifting and unable to fathom how the pain of losing you could ever end.

there are times when life has been difficult and i can feel your hand on my shoulder comforting me, whispering the words i know you would say if you were still here. and even though i can't hear those words or put my hands around you for a hug i know you are there, you are always there.

you were there during maddies birth when we were so scared we were going to lose her. during those first few weeks when we didn't know how to cope, when we didn't know what to do to help her. you were there when ben was born and i could feel you smile seeing us, a family of four, growing and building a life filled with love, a little more confident and not so scared.

i felt you last year when maddie had her surgery. when we were sitting outside those doors scared and anxious and worried about our precious bean, i knew you would be in the operating room with her, watching over her for us and keeping her safe, just as i know you will be with her again in two weeks when she is at stanford again, keeping her safe when we can't be by her side. you will again be her gaurdian angel, as i know you always will be.

but the part that still hurts me the most are all of my unspoken words. there are things i wish i had said that last day, so many things i wish i had said. i wish i hadn't left to go be with grandma. i know that is selfish and that i was where i needed to be because she needed me, she needed someone to be with her. but, i wish i had stayed and been with you, with mom. i wish i had told you one last time that i loved you. just one last time, i wish that i had said how much you meant to me. how grateful i was that even though my father couldn't be there for me throughout my life i always knew that i had you. i wish i had told you that you were the best grandfather in the entire world. i wish i had told you that i would always love you, i would always miss you, that there would never be anyone as amazing as you, as wonderful as you, as special as you ever again.

and, no matter what, i will always know i was loved by you unconditionally. and even now, 10 years later, i still feel your love and that makes the missing of you bearable. because i know what it felt like to be loved by you papa, and deep down i know that you knew i loved you too.