learning to live

life has a crazy way of sneaking up on you and throwing all that you thought was normal and simple into chaos faster than you know it. last week when i made my morning coffee i had a hand tremor that was so severe i spilled my coffee all over the kitchen floor. to say that it scared me is an understatement. over the last year my shaky hands have gotten shakier and monday was the final episode that got me into my internists.

up until monday i just felt like a hypochondriac.

i explained to him the tremors, we talked about my headaches. we discussed the hazy & blurry vision issues i've been experiencing. he ordered blood tests {normal}. i saw an ophthalmologist yesterday {i need glasses}. i'm waiting for a neuro appointment {seriously takes forever to get scheduled in}.

and although my outlook is better today after knocking down two of the three doubts and fears with substantial evidence that everything is ok {maybe i just have tremors?}. what has really shaken my mind today is how i let the fear of the "what if's" take over my mind last week.

after my appointment on wednesday i wanted to disappear. i cried everyday for five days. all day long. i worried about parkinson's. about multiple sclerosis. about a brain tumor. my entire weekend was full of depression, doubt, worry, stress and a wandering mind that had been processing all of the different medical conditions that could be causing the tremors.

i'm sure this is normal.

i'm sure the worry is normal.

i'm sure the stress is normal.

i'm sure the doubt & jumping to medical conclusions is normal.

but it has sucked.

and now today, i still feel like a hypochondriac. even though the neuro is still needed. even though my hand still shakes whenever i pick up something heavier than a pound. even though i know i've gotten two of the three worries cancelled out with 1.postitive and 2.changeable explanations i still have this little piece of my mind that i keep fighting back.

i still feel like a hypochondriac.

only {trying to be upbeat & positive} soon i'll be a hypochondriac in cute vintage glasses.

xo

Comments

[amy welch]

AH reading that reminds me so much of myself,I will do the same thing to my self everytime something isnt right with myself..
I am sorry to hear about tremors ,that would have had me going insane,thinking of all the what IF"S!! Belive me just ask my poor husband everytime I am sick I think something must be wrong with me.....LOL Yes I am also a hypochondriac! lol
hope everything gets better! Take care
amy

[cortney]

thinking of you & wishing you WELL!
xxoo, cortney

[Kristina K]

:(
Next time...CALL!
I know it's easier to curl up in a ball of despair and cry alone sometimes but that is the reason that we have friends in this world, to assuage your fears and get you through the hard times.
I hope it's nothing serious and am here if you need me.
P.S. Glasses are cool....take it from me. ;)

[Arlene]

Oh Kerry.
I UNDERSTAND.
When our minds go down all those worse case roads.
I UNDERSTAND.
Bless your heart.
And all those other body parts!
MOST times it isn't as bad as our mind wanders about and imagines..the hardest part is NOT KNOWING.
A trick I learned - that was most helpful..when my mind started down those dark scary black alleyways...was (is) to put up my hand and yell STOP.
Then redirect my thoughts to calmer - quieter places.
Please keep us posted..I will keep you in my prayers.

[gretchen]

uh, take care of you...please.
you are not a hypochondriac.

[Julie]

*sigh* I am sorry that U are going thru this....i wish i was there to hold that hand for u....i understand...i hope u know i do....living with a tumor my entire entire entire life in my wrist and losing all feeling in that hand from it....i get it....and i understand your fears....i will be praying for u and for the doctors to find the reason for this...and know that we love u and we are here for u.... :):):):)

[lisa truesdell]

sending lots of hugs and love, kl. i hope you have answers and the worries fade.

[erin]

omgosh KL, i wish i could just HUG you right now:)
so so so sorry to hear you've had to deal with this all.
please please please do not hesitate to call me for a n y t h i n g !!!

[Sara*P]

I know that kind of worry so very well. I just want to let you know that my cousin has hand tremors caused by the same condition that made Katherine Hepburn's voice shakey and it's controlled very well by medication. I hope that's what you have or that it's something equally as minor. xoxo

[Natasja]

O dear KL, i can imaging you are going trough all the if's! Hope everything will turn out ok and glasses aren't that bad :)

[Dina]

Uncertainty bites.

Hugs, love, smooches, paper hearts.

[heather fuentes]

i am about to type out my response to you and i am transfixed by the photos of mike and the kids in the sidebar. you are so very lucky to have those three faces to wake up to every day. they make it easy to understand the fear and craziness that sometimes takes over your brain. breathe. hug. sigh. cry. love. whatever it takes to get you through it - and know that you have a friend in arizona who is sending you all the love she can. <3

[mom]

To "my little":
You are stronger then you think you are. Life has dealt you many obstacles and you have passed through them with strength, grace, tenacity and love. This will be no different. You know I am always here for you and my love for you cannot be measured.
Love, mom

[Holly Hanks]

Okay, KL... I have to chime in here. I'll share with you something that I have yet to mention to anyone outside of my family and close friends. The SAME thing started happening to me right before Christmas last year. On top of the tremors, I was dizzy all the time, couldn't see straight, and had weird sensations of water running down my legs. The first Dr. I saw at the military installation swore that it was MS. Around April of this year, I finally got in to see a neurologist. The tests for MS/Parkinson's are anything but pleasant. I cried for weeks... probably from Christmas until after the tests this past April. It's terrifying. It's frustrating. And, I totally understand where you are coming from. In my mind, I was going to be in a wheelchair in a couple of years, totally debilitated. But, as it turns out, it was just stress. Massive amounts of stress. Of course, not everyone is that lucky. However, I've found that lots of times, it never is as bad as our minds would have made it out to be. Whatever it is, you're stronger than you think you are. You'll get through this... no matter what. And, I'm always here if you have any questions... or just want to talk. I can, without a doubt, say that I truly understand EXACTLY what you are going through at this point. Big, big hugs to you!

[Helen]

Thinking of you........

[Erin B]

Having gone through my own year long battle with my health, I can completely understand this post. I cried and cried and cried a lot last year. I had test after test and everything kept coming back normal or with minor issues that didn't explain my symptoms, but I knew something was wrong with me. I just didn't feel right. I did indeed have a few medical issues that were mostly resolved with meds and a surgery, but some of it was stress and anxiety. I was working myself into quite a state worrying about the what ifs. I had to frequently remind myself to breathe and to relax. Please remember to breathe and to relish the things you have that are wonderful...the hubs, the kiddos, the friends...thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

[ania]

kl - *BIG hugs* and I'll be thinking of you!!!

[becky]

i'm so sorry kl. saying prayers that all will be well with your health and that you will have peace about it. love you.

[shabbyjuls]

Kerry......just saw this..praying for you. If there's anything you need..I am close by.

[kendra]

I'm so sorry you're not able to get your answers quickly enough, Kerry. You're not a hypochondriac. Knowing something's not right but not knowing what's wrong is a scary thing! I'll be praying for you. And your mom's comment is so sweet. : )

[dani]

Thinking of you.

[Patti S.]

Hoping everything is turning around for you. Not knowing sucks but you don't ;) big hugs