taking deep breaths

 

{ ♥ }

over the last few weeks i've been spending alot of time thinking. taking deep breaths. listening to my thoughts and pondering all that has happened over this past year. i'm not sure if it's due to bubba jones turning five this friday or the fact that tomorrow is thanksgiving but i think i have finally started to open up with myself and let all that has hit our little family over the last few months really begin to sink in.

it's not that trials don't happen to other families too. i gain strength from reading their thoughts. their stories. their ways of dealing with stress. with dealing with life. this is part of the allure for me of blogging and blog following. i know that others deal with mountains larger than ours. mountains of unmeasurable pain and heartache.

i know their stories. i feel their stories. i relate to their stories.

we shared a hospital room with a family struggling with heartache and pain this summer. it was the most excruciating 24 hours of my life. not because it was horrible. but because it was so emotionally trying on my soul to hear and to witness the life struggle of a sweet 14 year old with cancer. i will never forget it. i thought our surgery & recovery with the bean was barely endurable. but i witnessed 24 hours of a life with childhood cancer. that is excruciating. i heard her cries of pain and i felt her agony. i kept telling myself how fortunate we were. every time we are at lpch i tell myself the same thing. we are so very lucky.

i know that what we have dealt with is nothing in comparison to what some have had to deal with. i am so grateful and thankful and feel so blessed that our family has been given struggles that we have solutions to. i have been tested. our family has been repeatedly tested. but we have gained so much. i have gained so much.

it's made me realize that i need to share more and i need to tell you how rough it's been. these past few months.. they've been rough. i need to trust that by sharing it will all be made good. it is all good. it's good because i am here. you are here. we are here.

there's a reason we are here. faith. kismet. support. friendship.

these thoughts and these feeling bind like no other. this is what i keep telling myself. when i doubt that you want to hear these struggles. when i think i can't speak because you don't come here to hear how hard this has been. how i have struggled. how i have dealt {or not dealt} with these trials.

but then {and even now} i remember that there is a reason why you come. there's a reason why you read. there is a reason why we are friends. there is a reason why i need you. there is a reason why we connect. i know this. and i am grateful for this. i am forever grateful for you.

and so i breathe a little more and i am grateful alot more.

eta : i'm not sure why but this post was such a struggle to write. i think my brain keeps fighting my heart and makes me feel like a jackass when i put these words and feelings of mine together and make them public. it's another safety net. another way to avoid. another plight to keep the wall up. but i'm done with the wall. and i am ready. and i know you are all here as support. again. i am so grateful.

Comments

[erin]

oh kl, my friend.
you are strong.
you are inspiration.
you are brave.

and you are such a love of a friend, that i pray daily for.

[elizabeth rosemond]

simply, we come because YOU do. without "knowing" you, i know for sure that you are graceful true. and that is so inspiring.

keep breathing, sister.

[Sharmaine]

Hugs from afar
from me
to you :)

[jen]

I'm thankful for you ... and sharing your pain (and joy) with us. Stay strong!

[Karen Dodson]

Big hugs kl!!

You are so brave, strong and wonderful!

Please share your struggles with us. It's why we're here...to listen and give you support.

Happy Thanksgiving. You are blessed.

[heather]

Happy Thanksgiving to you :) I come because i feel peace here for some reason.

[Julie]

i hear u....and i love u more everyday...i am thankful that u are apart of my life....... :):):):):):):):):):):):):)

[Leah C]

You don't know me and I don't really know you, but your words speak to me...over & over again. Thank you for sharing your struggles. We all have struggles & trials, that's true, and I think it does help to know we're not alone. Life has been trying lately, for you, for me, for a lot of people...thank you for reminding us that life is also beautiful and worth it. Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving Day:)

[Reija]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts KL. We don't know each other either but I just want to tell you that I see hope in your words and believe you are a strong person who will go through anythign together with your beautiful family. Big hugs!

[mary]

i thought of this quote when i read your post: "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down) (unknown) i hope your thanksgiving was lovely:)

mary

[kim whitten]

Blessings to you and your family.
We only do (or share) what we can in our own time.

prayers for your strength.

[Didee]

Beautifully written kl, I do hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving, big hugs xo

[Ania]

xoxo

(yeah dont have much to add..:p)

[Liesbeth]

Sweet sweet KL - EVERY mountain is one too many... and you can't compare one mountain to another. Some are higher, some are lower. You've had your share this year...
My family has a huge mountain to conquer and I've never been reluctant to share our struggles on my blog. So far it has been nothing but good. Sweet reactions, virtual hugs, getting the feeling that people understand. And even if they don't, they care. And that helps an awful lot.
{{{HUGS}}} to you and your family. May 2010 be a better year for you.

[Cortney]

thanks for sharing. i wish you & yours nothing but the best of health & happiness. miss ya, cort

[Diane B.]

hugs from me to you. yes, we SHOULD be thankful for what we have for there is always someone in a more dire situation. i experienced something similar just a few days ago and i thank GOD for my family's health, the roof over our head and the food on our table.
take comfort in your friends because you have many of them that care for you!

[kerry lynn]

thank you leah
its so true that we {as a world}
have been struggling for a while now
trying to find a bigger purpose
a better way to live
knowing that i have friends
even ones that i have never met irl, like you
who get it and are here to listen
means so much
so
so
much!
thank you :)
xo kl

http://www.kennerroad.com

http://k8tykat.typepad.com

[anna bowkis]

sending huge hugs from a cross the pond, i salute you for the strength you found to write this post
husg anna xx

[heather "sweaty pants" fuentes]

you are my kind of jackass. ;) and i adore you. xoxo.

[raesha]

What a great post....I truly think it's having friends to lean on during times of struggles that makes it even bearable. Big big hugs to you:)

[debee]

you are so loved KL!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
sending my prayers and love to you xo
you are the kind of friend i wanna have for forever...
:)
-d

[Nicole]

i *heart* you, kl. thank you for being you! hugs! :)