
golden gate park : march 2010
a few days ago our family received the news that my husbands
step-mother, our children's nana, who has been battling cancer over the
last five years,will be leaving us soon. too, too soon. there's nothing more that can be done for her, nothing more that the doctors can do.
i think the word terminal sucks!
i haven't written about my step-mother in law very much over the last five years as i always wanted to protect her and not turn her fight with cancer into blog fodder. in reality i think i never quite knew exactly what to write.
i have a knack for hiding my deepest pain with really high walls, filling my time with really stupid things and responding to friends {who i know are there for reasons just like this} with really shallow words of "i'm fine... we're fine".
however, over the last few days as the pain and heart-ache of losing nancy has been sinking in i am just feeling lost. lost & mad.
i'm also feeling guilty. i should have done more. i should have been there for her more. i should have called more. sent more pictures of the littles, drawings, updates, notes. we should have gotten on a damn plane and visited more.
i keep hearing how i need to focus on the good, on all of the beautiful memories and the time that we do have with her right now, but today, today i feel like we're being cheated. the littles are going to lose a grandmother that they adore, their nana, and i am going to lose a wonderful friend.
life hurts so much sometimes.
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