life hurts

golden gate park : march 2010

a few days ago our family received the news that my husbands step-mother, our children's nana, who has been battling cancer over the last five years,will be leaving us soon. too, too soon. there's nothing more that can be done for her, nothing more that the doctors can do.

i think the word terminal sucks!

i haven't written about my step-mother in law very much over the last five years as i always wanted to protect her and not turn her fight with cancer into blog fodder. in reality i think i never quite knew exactly what to write.

i have a knack for hiding my deepest pain with really high walls, filling my time with really stupid things and responding to friends {who i know are there for reasons just like this} with really shallow words of "i'm fine... we're fine".

however, over the last few days as the pain and heart-ache of losing nancy has been sinking in i am just feeling lost. lost & mad.

i'm also feeling guilty. i should have done more. i should have been there for her more. i should have called more. sent more pictures of the littles, drawings, updates, notes. we should have gotten on a damn plane and visited more. 

i keep hearing how i need to focus on the good, on all of the beautiful memories and the time that we do have with her right now, but today, today i feel like we're being cheated. the littles are going to lose a grandmother that they adore, their nana, and i am going to lose a wonderful friend.

life hurts so much sometimes.

Comments

[Robyn W.]

I'm so sorry Kerry! Thinking and praying for you all!

[Nora Anne]

No words can take away your pain right now, I know that. I lost my mother 3 years ago this week. My son will never know firsthand what a wonderful, kind, loving, spectacular person his Nonnie was. Only through the memories I share with him.
It hurts, it sucks, it's not fair, and sometimes I just hate everyone because of it. But unfortunately, it's part of life. I'm learning every day that life must go on (for the sake of your littles, if nothing else!)
Hugs to you xx

[Natasja]

Sending you a big hug from this side of the globe. Life does sucks big time every now and than. Wishing you and your family lots of strength!

[Diane B.]

So sorry to the news. I know it's hard to focus on the good things but it's OK to be sad. We're only human, right? Big hugs to you and your family, KL.

[Adele Chalker]

It is hard to talk about things like this, but I think what you've said is beautiful. All strength to you and your family.

[Helen]

Thinking of you all x x x

[julie]

i am so so so sorry kl! my prayers are with your family during this time!! {{hugs}}

[Sasha Farina]

thinking of you, all of you, KL. *hugs*

[heather fuentes]

oh, kL. i'm so sorry about nancy. cancer is an ugly beast and one that i've dealt with more than any one of us should have to. :( try not to beat yourself up too much - i went through that when my grandfather passed last year and i realized the only thing worth doing was holding on to the good stuff. i love you and i'm thinking about you, mike and the kids. <3 xoxo.

[Denise Morrison]

so sorry KL. It sucks.
thinking of you.

[kimbo in fort worth]

k.l.
be mad. be sad. get it out. focus on the time the littles get to have with her and the precious moments you get to have her. my thoughts are with you and family. be mad. be sad. be strong. and above all love and hold on to every minute.

peace, kimbo

[Angie Backen]

sweet girl... i am so sorry. my heart hurts for you, in more ways than you know. of course you will always remember the good stuff, but let your hearts feel what they must feel right now - it's necessary. it's human.
i also need to thank you for the reminder to do all things we should do and just don't. i need to hold on to that now...

sending you so much love and keeping you all in my thoughts. love you.
xoxo

[Ronda Palazzari]

what can i say dear friend to bring you comfort. You know i think the best thing i can say is i am here for you. Cancer does suck. The words Terminal & all other words that surround it are painful. It is ok to feel the pain and be mad. I am here friend. Call anytime. Sending you lots of love & sweet prayers.

[gretchen]

i am so sorry KL. thinking about ya.

[erin]

wish more than anything to say or do something to help lessen your pain.
cancer sucks. stage 4 sucks. it has claimed the lives of too many of our family members to count. sending you big hugs.
love you.