live . craft . learn

creative therapy : my dream home

i long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever i find myself. - maya angelou

this weeks catalyst and the maya angelou quote i chose was perfect for me. perfect for where i am in life right now. perfect because for the last year of my life i lost myself. lost myself in ways that i didn't realize until a few weeks ago. i centered my life around something that shouldn't have become more important than my family, than my children, than the life that i lead, right here in this house that i live in. and yet, even though i know better i lost parts of me and i lost sight of the most important things to me.

when i was younger, before having my littles. before i fell in love with mike. i thought my dream home was huge. a wrap around porch. lots of pretty things inside. decorated and perfect. like a magazine. but it isn't. my dream home isn't filled with things and objects that i purchased at target or pottery barn. it's filled with laughter. it's filled with love and trust and support. it's filled with tears and struggles and lessons learned. it's filled with 2 children who love me because i am their mama and they need no other reason. it's filled with a man who has been by my side for 9 years. a man who knows who i am at the core of my soft heart. a man who will put up with my silliness and sometimes crazy expectations because he knows that eventually i see the truth, and i am not afraid to change my path when i am unhappy or when i am wrong. it is filled with my friends who trust me and can be trusted, because they see me, the real me and they ask for nothing more because it is always enough.

so this house. my dream house. it is being built on a daily basis. it gets tattered and worn. it needs strength and support. it receives laughter and love. it spills tears and sadness. but it is real. it is mine. it is everything to me. it is perfect and i will never, ever, leave it untended again.

happy wednesday.
xo

he is everything to me

i made this two weeks ago for the man. a little simple thank you. he's always there. always supportive. i couldn't have picked a better man if i was shopping for him at tar-jey. in fact i know i wouldn't have. which is why i am even more thankful that one night, exactly 9 years ago today, he walked up to me and whispered a sweet sentence into my ear. from that moment on i was his. i had no choice. i was his.

the skies here are full of brown smoke & residue from all of the nearby wine country fires. so the littles and i are hiding out inside as i'm quite worried that it will make ben's asthma flare. when we woke up this morning and headed to maddies' speech lesson it seemed that it was better, but the heat is making it worse. so sad to know that so much of this beautiful county, and the ones near us are burning.

also, for those of you who asked about my book... gigi finally started posting the directions on her blog. such a simple & amazingly brilliant idea. make sure you go see how it's done.

happy wednesday.
xo

the beauty of sonoma county sunsets

i ran out the door the other night to catch these. the pictures are unedited. straight from the camera at sunset right in front of our house. sometimes the truth of the picture is more important than the editing.

i love this time of year. the sky here is so magical, all those pinks and blues.

mike used to have an apartment downtown with the best balcony. you could look straight west and see amazing sunsets full of so much color. we'd spend alot of evenings sitting out there, taking pictures and hanging with friends. pre marriage. pre babies. such good times.

i love sonoma county. love.

happy tuesday.
xo

because this is what it's all about ...

a day spent frolicking outside with my two littles. splashing in fountains. feeling the warm sun upon our faces. laughing. giggling. being together. i lost sight of that a while ago, but thankfully, i have found it again.

tomorrow i'm heading to pmp for a day filled teaching two workshops, scrapping with friends and definitely more laughter. yes. it will be just what the doctor ordered.

happy friday! happy weekend!
xo

the things she says

* "i can do it myself"
* "when i'm in kindergarten i can __________________ "
* "i only cried a tiny bit" {when getting her shots yesterday}
* "you don't have to watch me mommy, i can do it"
* "can i wash the dishes... mop the floor ... laundry ... dust ... ???"
* "will bubba miss me next year when i'm at school"
* "i can say 's' now mama, isn't that great?"
* "i can take a bath by myself now mommy, you can go do something else" {not quite yet ...}

she's come along way, my baby girl. she's not a baby anymore, i have to keep telling myself that. i see this pic and i can recall how she smelled as a baby. my endless nights worrying about how her palate would effect her future. the way i feel because she always wants to hold my hand in public. how she hugs all of her friends when she sees them and when she says goodbye. how i love sneaking around a corner and listening to her play ponies, all those sweet little voices she uses. her sensitive heart. how her doctor/hospital anxiety has subsided and disappeared this past year, no more stress, worry or screaming at checkups. she's not a baby anymore...

i'm so proud of her.
my girl.
my sweetness.
my maddie bean.

xoxo

creative therapy : catalyst 11

creating catalyst 11 {your first memory} for creative therapy hurt. hurt my heart to be so truthful and honest and to put it out into the world for everyone to see. i want to say that i don't know why i feel so vulnerable right now with this out there, with you seeing it and being able to read it, but that wouldn't be honest.

journaling reads : there are so many good memories to dwell on and yet the only ones i focus on are all of the times you were never there.

i kept writing down my earliest memories when i was deciding what to create for this one. they all involved my mother, my grandparents, my brother, friends, our cute little house on burkhart with the huge tree and the ladder swing and the canal running through the back. but not one of my earliest memories involved my father. not one. i kept trying to remember him being there when i was young. i can recall a few moments that i used to fool myself were memories but they weren't. they are all pictures of him with me that i have labored over in my mother's photo album. a picture here, a picture there. but no memories, because i can't remember it.

and that is sad. it makes me sad.

it's also doubly hard because i no longer speak with him. this august will be 5 years. five years since he made the decision to not show for my wedding. 5 years since i last heard his voice on the telephone. he's never met his grandchildren. he barely knew my husband. instead of talking and being involved in my life he chose to walk away.

and so, even now. i have few memories. i see friends who have these amazing relationships with their fathers and i always wonder why i don't have that. why didn't i get one of those dads? he has his demons, i know this. he has issues, again, i know this. it has nothing to do with me, and yet, it does.

because for my entire life i have believed that it was because of me, that i wasn't worth that depth of love. that i am invisible. that i don't count. that i am nothing. it's a constant struggle, fighting these thoughts, doing my best to tell myself to concentrate on everything that i did have, that i do have.

and yet i still dwell.

to create the lo i printed a picture of my eye and face right onto blue cardstock. stamped around it with a de creatie stamp in blue ink. added the fabric and sewing. gessoed over the picture, stamped my journaling. the top borders were handcut.

bad mommy

last thursday i was purging out the junk in our garage for the garage sale my mom and i had last weekend {it was amazing... thanks for asking!!} and i told maddie that she couldn't do something {can't even remember what it was now...} and she huffed off into the house in a foul mood. about 15 minutes later i went in to get some water and found this. on her door. which was closed. and heard her meekly talking to herself inside about how mean i was and i could just stay out all day.

dude.

do i look like this? really?

cause i have to say. i love that fact that my hips aren't as wide as they truly are in real life and she gave my hair some extra length and some manageable waves. and i've apparently lost about 90 lbs and i have been told i have a big mouth at times... and now that i'm talking about it what happened to my neck and torso and butt??

but the thing that got me was the talking to herself. because i used to do that. i used to get in trouble for lying when i was 7-8-9. alot. {yes mom.... i will finally admit it to be true. i lied alot.} and i used to be sent to my room to write lines. lines of things like ....

i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.

and if i did the long line of l's, trying to connect the letters in the words from top to bottom {to save time} i would have to start over.

but the point is that while i was writing these lines i would talk to myself about how much no one listened to me. how they didn't love me, like me, care about me... yadda yadda yadda. and last thursday. listening to the bean mutter her sadness made my heart swell in love and smiles. because i felt and knew that she is mine. she will be my legacy. she will be me and yet, she will be herself in so many ways. and that, to me, is a perfect moment of knowing, and loving, that i am her mama. wavy, mouth agape, stick picture and all.

xoxo

and btw : that project i talked about yesterday? comcast delayed it one full day by deciding that today was the day they would shut off our internet and drive me and the kids go spend a splendid day at auntie sarah's where we swam in the pool. ate hot dogs and drank gatorade in the club house. we were mellow and free out in the sun on a 90 degree day. and i can't thank them enough for getting my butt out of this house for some friendship and fun!

missing

these two. last week they decided to step down as fashionistas and although my heart broke a little, because i wouldn't see them participating in fgirl things anymore, i understand. sometimes you know when it's time to move on. time to bring focus back to yourself. time to concentrate on family and the reason why we scrap in the first place. things i've been thinking about for a while now as well...

but i want them to know, truly know, how blessed i feel because i know them. how priceless these photos from last summer are to me. and although i understand, although i know i will still chat & "see" them online, i will miss their little fgirl stars. they are originals. in heart and spirit and i will always remember and hold that dear.

i love you kiki & chellers.
always!

xo

mirror in the sky

just a little musical inspiration, feeling this one today. also, i'm doing two chats this week at sistv. monday morning at 7am pst and wednesday night at 6pm pst. come and join me. ask anything. but most important, let's connect and have fun!

and i added some new tunes to the playlist. :D

happy sunday!
xoxo

blues & greens

a few months ago diane had asked me if i would be interested in being a guest designer one month for scrap for a cure, and of course i said yes. these girls are the sweetest, they donate a portion of all kit orders to charity, and they have some serioulsy wonderful kits.

these are sneaks of five of the layouts / projects i created with the upcoming may kit, which goes on sale on the first of may i believe.

i loved playing with it. there was a new company included that i hadn't used before, which is always exciting, and the fabric.. {{oops!}}... well i'm just going to leave it there.

oh, and that creative team announcement? i was asked last week before i left for scrap etc to joing the amazing team at creative therapy. i feel so honored. it's exactly what i've been looking for, a place to focus and create while pushing myself to be more real, more emotional and more truthful with my work. my first work with a catalyst will be up monday... cannot wait to share.

happy saturday!
xoxo