catalyst #30 : what's a decision you made that changed the direction of your life?
this one was so hard. hard to think about. hard to write. hard to put down and share. my father and i have always had a very estranged relationship with moments of bonding & togetherness scattered throughout my life. for the longest time, until the last few years actually, i always thought it was me. i always longed for more. i was always jealous of the other girls who's fathers were present in their lives. i always thought that i wasn't enough. that i didn't do enough to make him want to be an active participant of my life. that maybe i didn't show i cared or that i loved him enough. that i wasn't important enough. sad, isn't it?
but then my thoughts shifted, and when maddie was born everything slowly started to come into focus, as if the last 31 years of my life had been a hazy misunderstanding. and when he didn't show to my wedding i was crushed. broken. rejected.
but, as my love slowly grew for my daughter and as i watched my husband become the most loving, caring and supportive father he could be i realized, i truly felt and knew, i wasn't the problem. there was nothing i could have done because i couldn't change him. i was not and am not responsible for him. he was my father. he should have stepped up. he should have been present. but he chose not to be, and realizing this, being a mother and wife and seeing what it means to be a family has healed those wounds for me. and so i choose to move on. to let him go. because i am important and i am worth it.
my journaling :
it hurt. i won’t deny that when you didn’t show up to my wedding i was crushed. even then, after all of the years, you could still only think of yourself first, just like you always had. i waited for over an hour, sitting in my sweet summer dress, listening to our guests in the garden, knowing that the man i was made for was there, waiting for me. and even though deep inside my heart my instincts had told me you would do something like this, something that cut so deep, i still hoped you, my father, would finally show. you would come and be there and be happy for me. but you didn’t and looking back now i know it was a gift. because finally, i knew it wasn’t about me and finally i let you go.
and in other, more happy news ;), the kenner road blog is up with some amazing sneak peeks of the october main kit & two addons. make sure you go check them out, they are beautiful!