live . craft . learn

creative therapy : my dream home

i long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever i find myself. - maya angelou

this weeks catalyst and the maya angelou quote i chose was perfect for me. perfect for where i am in life right now. perfect because for the last year of my life i lost myself. lost myself in ways that i didn't realize until a few weeks ago. i centered my life around something that shouldn't have become more important than my family, than my children, than the life that i lead, right here in this house that i live in. and yet, even though i know better i lost parts of me and i lost sight of the most important things to me.

when i was younger, before having my littles. before i fell in love with mike. i thought my dream home was huge. a wrap around porch. lots of pretty things inside. decorated and perfect. like a magazine. but it isn't. my dream home isn't filled with things and objects that i purchased at target or pottery barn. it's filled with laughter. it's filled with love and trust and support. it's filled with tears and struggles and lessons learned. it's filled with 2 children who love me because i am their mama and they need no other reason. it's filled with a man who has been by my side for 9 years. a man who knows who i am at the core of my soft heart. a man who will put up with my silliness and sometimes crazy expectations because he knows that eventually i see the truth, and i am not afraid to change my path when i am unhappy or when i am wrong. it is filled with my friends who trust me and can be trusted, because they see me, the real me and they ask for nothing more because it is always enough.

so this house. my dream house. it is being built on a daily basis. it gets tattered and worn. it needs strength and support. it receives laughter and love. it spills tears and sadness. but it is real. it is mine. it is everything to me. it is perfect and i will never, ever, leave it untended again.

happy wednesday.
xo

he is everything to me

i made this two weeks ago for the man. a little simple thank you. he's always there. always supportive. i couldn't have picked a better man if i was shopping for him at tar-jey. in fact i know i wouldn't have. which is why i am even more thankful that one night, exactly 9 years ago today, he walked up to me and whispered a sweet sentence into my ear. from that moment on i was his. i had no choice. i was his.

the skies here are full of brown smoke & residue from all of the nearby wine country fires. so the littles and i are hiding out inside as i'm quite worried that it will make ben's asthma flare. when we woke up this morning and headed to maddies' speech lesson it seemed that it was better, but the heat is making it worse. so sad to know that so much of this beautiful county, and the ones near us are burning.

also, for those of you who asked about my book... gigi finally started posting the directions on her blog. such a simple & amazingly brilliant idea. make sure you go see how it's done.

happy wednesday.
xo

the things she says

* "i can do it myself"
* "when i'm in kindergarten i can __________________ "
* "i only cried a tiny bit" {when getting her shots yesterday}
* "you don't have to watch me mommy, i can do it"
* "can i wash the dishes... mop the floor ... laundry ... dust ... ???"
* "will bubba miss me next year when i'm at school"
* "i can say 's' now mama, isn't that great?"
* "i can take a bath by myself now mommy, you can go do something else" {not quite yet ...}

she's come along way, my baby girl. she's not a baby anymore, i have to keep telling myself that. i see this pic and i can recall how she smelled as a baby. my endless nights worrying about how her palate would effect her future. the way i feel because she always wants to hold my hand in public. how she hugs all of her friends when she sees them and when she says goodbye. how i love sneaking around a corner and listening to her play ponies, all those sweet little voices she uses. her sensitive heart. how her doctor/hospital anxiety has subsided and disappeared this past year, no more stress, worry or screaming at checkups. she's not a baby anymore...

i'm so proud of her.
my girl.
my sweetness.
my maddie bean.

xoxo

bad mommy

last thursday i was purging out the junk in our garage for the garage sale my mom and i had last weekend {it was amazing... thanks for asking!!} and i told maddie that she couldn't do something {can't even remember what it was now...} and she huffed off into the house in a foul mood. about 15 minutes later i went in to get some water and found this. on her door. which was closed. and heard her meekly talking to herself inside about how mean i was and i could just stay out all day.

dude.

do i look like this? really?

cause i have to say. i love that fact that my hips aren't as wide as they truly are in real life and she gave my hair some extra length and some manageable waves. and i've apparently lost about 90 lbs and i have been told i have a big mouth at times... and now that i'm talking about it what happened to my neck and torso and butt??

but the thing that got me was the talking to herself. because i used to do that. i used to get in trouble for lying when i was 7-8-9. alot. {yes mom.... i will finally admit it to be true. i lied alot.} and i used to be sent to my room to write lines. lines of things like ....

i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.
i will not lie. i will not lie. i will not lie.

and if i did the long line of l's, trying to connect the letters in the words from top to bottom {to save time} i would have to start over.

but the point is that while i was writing these lines i would talk to myself about how much no one listened to me. how they didn't love me, like me, care about me... yadda yadda yadda. and last thursday. listening to the bean mutter her sadness made my heart swell in love and smiles. because i felt and knew that she is mine. she will be my legacy. she will be me and yet, she will be herself in so many ways. and that, to me, is a perfect moment of knowing, and loving, that i am her mama. wavy, mouth agape, stick picture and all.

xoxo

and btw : that project i talked about yesterday? comcast delayed it one full day by deciding that today was the day they would shut off our internet and drive me and the kids go spend a splendid day at auntie sarah's where we swam in the pool. ate hot dogs and drank gatorade in the club house. we were mellow and free out in the sun on a 90 degree day. and i can't thank them enough for getting my butt out of this house for some friendship and fun!

missing

these two. last week they decided to step down as fashionistas and although my heart broke a little, because i wouldn't see them participating in fgirl things anymore, i understand. sometimes you know when it's time to move on. time to bring focus back to yourself. time to concentrate on family and the reason why we scrap in the first place. things i've been thinking about for a while now as well...

but i want them to know, truly know, how blessed i feel because i know them. how priceless these photos from last summer are to me. and although i understand, although i know i will still chat & "see" them online, i will miss their little fgirl stars. they are originals. in heart and spirit and i will always remember and hold that dear.

i love you kiki & chellers.
always!

xo

buy a donkey

from {v}vilna

the things i would tell.

if only i had a few hours with this sweet girl. me in 1980. eight years old, about to have things change in ways she had no control of and no possible way of understanding.

i'd sit and hold her hand. i would tell her to be strong. i would tell her there will be rough waters ahead. times when she will doubt she was loved. times when she would feel completely alone. times when she wouldn't understand one little bit of it.

and then i would tell her that there would be a time, a time when all of those uncontrollable events are long and far behind her. a time when she will begin to see. when she will begin to understand. when she would know she was special. worthy. loved.

so i would tell her to be strong. to persevere. because i would be there always. always.

and i love her.
more and more each day.

*************************************************************
inspired by this lovely post.

one saturday in march ...

i traveled over a piece of gold


to hang with this fun and crazy girl
shopped at my favorite store
where i was inspired
over and over
and stocked up on new ideas
then i took her to this fab place and i was inspired again
found art in the street visited another landmark store
and had a perfectly perfect day

366 days

366 days ago i took the plunge. i grabbed a piece of patterned paper. some glue. a few random pictures of mike and i. the kids. me. and i made a layout. my first scrapbook layout ever. and exactly 366 days later, today, march 8th 2008, i have a pile of amazing works that are mine. pieces of my heart. thoughts from my head. random scatterings of things and places and feelings that i have felt over the last year.

up until that point, 366 days ago, i had been searching for a craft where i felt connected {amazing since connect is my word of 2008}. i have been a knitter. a jewelry maker. a sewer. a painter and a potter. i was an art history major in college and a vintage clothing website owner. but yesterday, yesterday i was thinking about how one thing led to another and each step that i have taken over the last 10 years has led me to scrapbooking. slowly and surely. but with a determined glide and focus.

the past ten years have led me to the place and a craft where i could take pieces of each of those interests and combine them into one. i could take my love of design and pattern and turn it into a creative outlet. something where i can put a picture, some amazing product and glitter or paint and even piles of vintage love on another piece of paper and call it my own. i can take my thoughts and my feelings and my dreams and record them for the future. i can play and dream and have something to show my children who i am, who i was, who i will become when i am old and they want to know.

and for all of it, i am forever grateful.

happy anniversary me and scrapbooking.
i love you, with my entire heart.

xo
kl

buon compleanno, bama!

it's my bama's birthday today. we're two peas in a pod, her and i. she's the best grandmother i could have ever asked for, and luckily i didn't have to ask. we were supposed to head down to her house to spend the afternoon eating grilled cheeses and eating birthday cake, but alas, ben is sick again and i just needed to keep him home as the breathing treatments are on over drive right now. ugh! i'm hoping we can nip it in the bud real quick because i definitely don't want to see the inside of a hospital room for quite some time!

have the best day bama, ti amo per sempre.

in other news... did you see this? jj finally announced the girls who will be joining us as fashionistas. 16 new girls added to the list. each of them inspire me to no end and were already on my favorites list, can you believe that? check the f-girl links over there ---------> cause i added all the new names and they deserve some extra special love!!

happy wednesday!